Why Men - According to a Woman1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?(because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time) 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions) 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!) 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a good final copy) 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know.....it never happened) (C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!) And the personal favourite: 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) |
How to Make a Woman Happy
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Marriage CounselingAfter just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up put her on the couch and made passionately love to her then sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless. The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays." |
The HatMurphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn come to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat." The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?" Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat." |
"So, How'd You Break Your Arm?"Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper:A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over...the "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters. With time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her, "The white will provide more than adequate camouflage." So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital. While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift." "So, how'd you break your arm?" |
Mad Wife DiseaseA guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. "What was that for?" he asked."That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation " Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?" She replied, "Your horse called." |
Southern BlondTwo bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby... Southern Girl needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching." Moral --- Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But, all men... are well... men. |
Never Argue with a Woman Who ReadsOne morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. |
MidlifeWell, it may not be a midlife crisis: Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old brunette.Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old brunette, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed. |
The Nun and a #2 PencilThe value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too cute) You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The nun fainted........... |
Every man's fantasy (almost)I met an older woman at a club last night.She was an all right sort for 67, we drank a bit, had a bit of a chat and she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome? I said "no". We drank a bit more then she says, that "tonight was my lucky night". I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Hey Mom, You still awake?" |
MannersDuring one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.What about you Peter, how would you say it. "Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner." The teacher fainted...... |
Grandma's Birth Control PillsThis doctor had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her life. He finally retired.At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her medications that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possible help you sleep." She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that, but every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks ................... and believe me, it helps me sleep at night." You Gotta Watch Them Grandmas.......... |
Sticky First DateIf you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake. Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down th e mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow, she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic, and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself wi th her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal. Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was emb arrassing. Jay Leno's comment... "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off." Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show. |
Top 10 Country and Western songs10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few. 8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me 7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin' 6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win 5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here 4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him 3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger 2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer And the Number One Country & Western song is... 1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long. |
What Starts with F and ends with KA first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he* agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......" |
Hold MeOne evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!' So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?' Realizing that nothing was go ing to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.' We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.' I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.' Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?' I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?' Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least we both have reached a new emotional plateau.... or cliff? |
Why Didn't You Say SoA nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." |
A Short ConversationA stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane. Shortly after take-off, the stranger turned to her and said Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiled. 'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thought about it and said, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' To which the little girl replied, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit!! |
Dad At the MallI took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?' Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock I was just wondering if you were my son.' |
A Lesson in GrammarOn my 60th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. A paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will be longer and harder than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and aske d, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon. " I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited Cara to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, " 1-2-3!" Immediately, I was the manliest of men. Cara was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition. |
Celebrating 50 YearsA man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together.Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is,and didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today." Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come." Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything." After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married." The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones, too." |
Happy Halloween!A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.' She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.' 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.' The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!' 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?' 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.' The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.' |
True FriendshipAre you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship - just the stone cold truth of our great friendship. 1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid. 4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining. 6. When you are confused -- I will use little words. 7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. 9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend" |
The Russian vs. The BoudreauxA Russian and Boudreaux, a coonass wrestler from Thibodaux, Louisiana were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.Before the final match, Boudreaux’s trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished". Boudreaux nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, Boudreaux the coonass and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Boudreaux and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Boudreaux collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "Boudreaux how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before?!" Then Boudreaux answered "well, i was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could." So the trainer exclaimed, "That’s what finished him off!" Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts." |
THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?A: It's Braille for 'suck here'. Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS? A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.' Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS? A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN? A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them. Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ? A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch... BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment? A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose. Nominated as the world's best short joke A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?' 'Not yet,' she replied. |
Management LessonEddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.' The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!' Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.' She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...?' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all dimes!' Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed. |
Dangerous SituationYou are riding on a beautiful white horse.On your left side is a drop off. On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion. In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them. Behind you is a stampede of horses. What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation? For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star. * Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. * |
A Classic TaleHere's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary. THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. (second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. (Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. (Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted, wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty, the Anu'udrian shipswere on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie. (Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semiliterate adolescent. (Gary) Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!" (Rebecca) Asshole. (Gary) Bitch (Rebecca) F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL! (Gary) Go drink some tea - whore. (TEACHER) (A+) I really liked this one. |
The Hillbilly VasectomyAfter their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.' The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' 'Trust me,' said the doctor. So the man went HOME, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! '1' '2' '3' '4' '5' ( you'll love this...) At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand. |
Quote for the DayIf you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.' So - if you give her crap, you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle! |
DogOne hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? The blonde said it was hers. Your dog seems to be 'in heat' the officer said. The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree. The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand.. Your dog needs to be bred.' 'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.' The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!' (Your gotta love this) The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog. |
ReleaseA woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?' The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that too,' she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ... 'I would have been released today.' |
Mustard?A blonde walks into her regular dry cleaner and drops off a blouse. As she leaves the clerk says 'Come again' and the blonde says 'No, its mustard this time.' |
Stop Why?As men age, we tend to end up seeing more and more of the medical establishment.For example, my family doctor recently referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy. She told me that I must stop masturbating. I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..." |
Obsession?A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.'You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.' He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.' He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.' At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.'' |
PrepositionOn my 60th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. A paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will be longer and harder than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and aske d, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon. " I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited Cara to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, " 1-2-3!" Immediately, I was the manliest of men. Cara was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition. |
Aliens at the Gas PumpTwo aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.' The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Gretings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire !' v The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his bi, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.' |
Guts or Balls.Guts or balls. There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death. |
Nymphomaniac ConventionA man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston " He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba." |
The bells are not always audible...John was in the fertilized egg business.He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible. |
Feeling Old Are You?A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.' 'About 32,' is the reply.' 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.' Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!' While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are...' They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.' Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?' The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?' 'I promise I won't' she says. 'I was behind you at McDonalds.' |
An Old Ear InfectionThis is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. A 70-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. The receptionist became irritated andsaid, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ' 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. The Rec eptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir? ' 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.. |
Fred's Night OutFred works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Fred! How ya doin?' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Fred. 'He's in my bowling league. When they are seated, a waitress asks Fred if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.' A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Fred, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Freddie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?' Fred's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club... Fred follows and spots her getting into a taxi. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Fred tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Fred, you picked up a real bitch this time.' Fred's funeral will be on Saturday ... |
What Do You Think?The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.." "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked. "I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some asshole using my stuff..." She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?" |
Diary EntriesHER DIARY:Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. HIS DIARY: The Harley wouldn't start today, I can't figure it out, but at least I got laid. |
The Wedding TestI was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.' And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car. |
It Took Time...On their 50th anniversary, Rhonda found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband Mike, a retired Marine, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"He looked up from his newspaper and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married." She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I said `Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'" She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?" He looked her up and down and said, "Mission Accomplished! |
PerspectiveOuch!A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. After tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!' His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.' |
AustrialiansA drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really, really hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up ... "I'll try it — Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!" |
It's The Right Thing To Do!A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act, so for $100, the cabby agrees.Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!' Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What should I do?' The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.' |
What's In A Name?A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a deserted beach in Boca Raton, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?""Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely, she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked. "Yes, I live over in Coral Springs " he answered, and again he resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?" |
New RoosterAn old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. 'So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this.' He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well, I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finish's first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster. So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster. By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself . . . "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month." |
When from RomeA woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" " Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What'd he say ?" He said: "Who fucked up your hair? |
MASTERCARD WEDDING ???You got to love this guy. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a Microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride making out with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "here's to you!" Then he turned to his bride and said, "here's to you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this? Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000. Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000 Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500 The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride and the best man: PRICELESS There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD! "Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--what you do today, might burn you tomorrow... |
Would You Remarry???A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks THE question.WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do" WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?" HUSBAND : "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times." WIFE: "Would she use my clubs? HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: -- silence HUSBAND: "Sh*t." |
One WeekendAn older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.' On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my GREAT WEEKEND!' |
Biker BobA tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops."What are you doing?" he asks. "I'm going to commit a suicide," she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blow job?" So, she does. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best B.J. I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......" |
Your Point?An 86-year-old very wealthy man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child. 'So what do you think about that Doc ?' The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.' One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.' 'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'..' 'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.. Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.' The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.' |
Harlequin Novel, Updated...
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were Alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."
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Things Are Gonna Get HairyA little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.She stands next to the barber chair while he father gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair in your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too." |
"The Outhouse"Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!" "Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole! "Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!" |
Fire BellsA FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. From now on: When I say BELL 1 - I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2 - I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3 - We are going to make love all night. The next night he came home from work; He yells 'BELL 1!' - The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled 'BELL 2!' - The wife jumped into bed. When he yelled 'BELL 3!' - They began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!' 'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband? 'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE." |
Harley Chrome and VaselineJoe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' (true story) And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally,they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says.. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouted. 'I'll do the fuckin' dishes!!' |
Dwarf NunsThe seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.Grumpy leads the pack. 'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?' Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?' The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ...' In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them. Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?' The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ... 'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?' The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.' The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting...... 'Grumpy screwed a penguin!' 'Grumpy screwed a penguin!' |
Nice SmellEvery day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy. The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" "It's Frank. The midget." |
Twenty Four InchesA couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, His wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black." |
Raisin' BreadA bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant, who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends, he decides he'd better get two loaves, as he's having company. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, One of the other male customers notice what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread too. After many trips she is tired and irritated & begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?" "No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little." |
Moral DilemmaYou are driving down the road in your car on a wild stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams." Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought Limitations. Never forget to 'Think outside of the Box. The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers. |
Well... Perfect!A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f-cking widow." |
More or Less PainfulMowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." |
Seeing SpotsA young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . a green spot on the inside of each. "They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back. A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots. The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy. There's no problem. But, I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?" The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?" "Tell him his earrings are not real gold." |
The Simple TruthsTRUTH 1Lovers help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own. Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed. SIMPLE TRUTH 2 When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats". But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job". Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated." FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE 1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle. 2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name. 3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again. 4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them. 5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk. BONUS: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband. |
COYOTE HUNTINGThe old fellow in the big cowboy hat got a standing ovationThe Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said ... "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep ... they're eatin' 'em!" The meeting never really got back to order. |
Just FredAn Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies.'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing. |
A conversation in heaven?BETTY: Hi! Wanda.WANDA: Hi! Betty. How'd you die? BETTY: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! BETTY: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. BETTY: So, what happened? WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. BETTY: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be alive. |
Blonde GeniesA white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course mansion , surrounded by 50 beautiful women. After he finally makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous mansion. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet and he looks down and all the floors are covered in $100 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in ku klux klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the klans men are walking away, they remove their hoods ....... it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other. "I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to ....... I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire ....... but why he wanted to be hung like a black guy is beyond me." |
Customer RelationsIt happened at a New York Airport . This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate ....agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14". With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too." |
Why am I Divorced?Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought...... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock , when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me....' I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.' After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake .... followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there.... On the couch...... Naked. |
Small... Smaller... SmallestBrenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.' The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?' 'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father..' |
A Miricle... Almost!One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defences.'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.' |
Not To WorryThe mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex....Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!' |
Miranda WarningA female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you..." The drunk says, "Tits." |
Ammo is getting scarce!This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump. She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?" I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of ammo 'ya got?" |
The Italian Funeral DogA Jewish guy was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. And behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 people walking in single file.The man could not restrain his curiosity, so respectfully he approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: 'I am sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you but I’ve never seen and Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?' 'My wife' the man replied 'What happened to her?' 'She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her'. He inquired further 'But who is in the second hearse?' The Italian man answered, 'My Mother in law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her'. A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. Then the Jewish man asked “Can I borrow the dog?' The Italian man replied “Sure, get in line.” |
What's in a NameA slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece ..In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked. To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events. At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "OH!! Limp pricks!" Over the next two and a half millenniums that morphed into " Olympics". Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge with you. You're very welcome.. |
When the lights went out.A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should.." "Why not?" the nun asked. "Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf." "Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way." So, the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?" |
Retirement is Different for EveryoneOne day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village. On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way.On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her: "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?" Yes, she said, "aren't they darlings? They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale. " |
Stranded LawyersTwo lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming...One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction." The lawyer on the ground was sceptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind." But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time... So... Do you think we should... well... you know... screw her?" "Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other lawyer. |
Chat-Up Line“I’m Jane” she said"I'm Christopher," he replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short" "How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked "You just ask nicely" he replied |
How Men ThinkA woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate at all. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure. Maybe she choked! |
One Tough BikerA drunken old man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!' The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!' The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!' At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says......... "Grandpa.......... Go home" !!!!! |
A Matter of Time?A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He also notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'? The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?' The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.' Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And, her, what is she doing?' The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.' Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing inapropriate is happening! The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?' The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.' The trooper asks: 'And her, what's her age?' The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.' |
Bad WeatherWeather Conditions --- Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in North Dakota.She said since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is 32 below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Wind chill is -59. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. She says if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in. |
Walking the DogA little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block." The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home." |
Email
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
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Study HardMegan, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day."Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good, Megan," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day Jenny came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 24." |
Big BabyAn Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks .. . . like I said .. . . my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy." Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.* The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks . . ..so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."* The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?" He was 25 pounds the day he was born." The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whiskey, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised”. |
A Short LetterDear Boyfriend,I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can. Sincerely, Spiders |
Catholic BlondeOn their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long? |
Robot Lie DetectorA father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.The son says, "I did some schoolwork." ---The robot slaps the son--- The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." ---The robot slaps the son--- Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." ---The robot slaps the father--- Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." ---The robot slaps the mother--- ---Robot for sale.--- |
New York Cab DriverA clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into A taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?" The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from." The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?" He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, 'Vair in DA hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride? Now, that's a REAL Businessman |
Stay Off Your BicycleMy wife found out that our pet Schnauzer could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist said, "Well then, stay off your bicycle for at least a week." |
Five Unshakable Facts
And one unverified fact (but it sounds legit): A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. |
A Piece of RubberHusband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.' The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.' |
What do you want to be
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
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The Pastor's AssThe Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.. The Bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer! |
Trans VestitusA successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kickup your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." |
5 Undeniable Facts
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Positive AttitudeLate in the night he regained consciousness…He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital’s ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident. She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.” Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?” That, my friends, is a Positive Attitude! (Yes, it is a bit of a 'groaner') |
Quick ThinkingA man went to the doctor's office the other day at his wife’s request and found out that the new family doctor is a young female... and drop-dead gorgeous!He was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out." Thinking quickly he said... "My wife thinks my penis tastes funny." |
A Shady Shade of GreyFour guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night.? Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, ?Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want." So, here I am - |
"9?"Ethel checked into a motel on her 60th birthday and she was a bit lonely.She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy air, long powerful legs, dazzling smile and six pack abs. She figured what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!" "Now how does that sound?" He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line." |
They're Not Too HappyGod visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.The woman said she would try her best. God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. "Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there." "They don't like that in heaven, said God. The woman replied, "They're not too happy about it in Costco either." |
A Picture Is Worth...The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: "I have some good news and, I have some bad news"The tycoon replies: "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first". The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $10 million". The tycoon replies enthusiastically: "Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day; now what's the bad news?" The lawyer answers: "The pictures are of you and your secretary". |
How Yodeling StartedHave you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the Barn. And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next To his mouth, and yelled out..... |
How Experts Ask for a RaiseAn Austrian maid asks the wife who employs her for a pay raise. The wife became very angry about this and decided to talk to her about this raise.She asked, "Now Anna, why do you think you should get a pay increase?" Anna: "Well, Madam, there are tree reasons why I wunt the increaze. The 1st is that I do iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Anna: "Your husband he say so." Wife: "Oh yeah?" Anna: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "That's a lie, who said you were a better cook than me?" Anna: "Your hozban he did." Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?" Anna: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed." Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, "And did my husband say that as well?" Anna: "No Madam... The gardener did." (A moment of silence passes...) "So, how much do you want?" |
The Cardiologist's FuneralThis would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.. A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist!' The priest fainted! |
The blind man.A nun is taking a bath when someone knocks at the door.She asks who it is, and the person says, "The blind man." So she lets him come into the bathroom. The man enters the room and says, "Nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blind?" |
Outback 911Australian 911 Operator: "G'day mate, Helpline here. What's the problem?"Caller: "I'm in the Outback with my sheila and she's been stung on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has closed up!" Australian 911 Operator: "Bummer!" Caller: "Great advice! Thanks mate.” |
AmenTwo prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:Two Prostitutes - $50.00. A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES.' One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!' 'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.' The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car. He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign: Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- |
In a WordThe pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible motorcycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced. "Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife, once again, the word is STERNUM." |
All that Glitters...A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs... A green spot on the inside of each. "They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back. A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots. The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?" The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?" "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold." |
RendezvousA farmer had 5 female pigs.Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon , (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not." The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass." "Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn." |
LiteralA teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.' |
Lessons from Kama Sutra
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Make up your mind!A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!" |
Mind the CatStudents in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
He got an A. |
Mind the TimeAn old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' " |
TaxiA woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers." |
First In LineYou don't need to be a Catholic and go to confession to appreciate this story. Make sure you live by the rule in the last line.A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. He began, "Thank goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor! I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs, had several homosexual affairs, was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people." Just as the priest finished his talk, the presenter, a local politician, arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. He started by saying, "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the very first person to go to him for confession..." Moral: Never, never, ever be late! |
Zingers (ouch!)After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Rick woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realized he had made it home safely... "IT'S A BOY" he shouted "A BOY! I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY!" And with tears streaming down Tom's face he swore he'd never visit another
Thai Brothel! Boy asks granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?'
Granny replies, fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen? Wife gets naked and asks hubby, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!" Wife's back on the warpath. She was up for making a sex movie last night.
All I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. Spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night,
or "foreplay" as she likes to call it... After suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. Strangely, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!" I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast all day. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night.
Took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel... The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" She packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
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Co-Pilot's Main JobMany years ago on a long trans-continental flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crew. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the Navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track across the earth.She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the Flight Engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any aircraft or engine system problems to keep the aircraft operating smoothly. She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain he was responsible for everything in the aircraft and to fly and direct everyone in it. She turned to the First Officer and asked, "Well young man, what is your job?" He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor." Somewhat shocked, she said, "I beg your pardon young man, but what do you mean by that?" "Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me on a number of occasions that when he wants my fucking advice, he'll ask me." |
The SneezeA man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?" "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm." The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?" The woman nodded, "Pepper." |
A Proper DefenseDefense Attorney: Will you please state your ageOld Lady: I am 94 years old Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my David died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Old Lady: He began to rub all over my body. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man... Take me now!' Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard. |
Vanishing WomanA man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant in Kamsack, Saskatchewan. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead. The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me, but I think your wife just slid under the table." The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, she didn't ......... she just walked in." "Don't cry because it's over; Smile because it happened" |
Executive ActionAll of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one at a time until only Bob, the most junior member was left sitting outside.Finally it was Bob's turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did. As soon as he sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked “Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?” “Oh, no Sir, positively not!” Bob replied. “Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman. “Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!” "You’d swear to that?" "Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere."'' "Good, then you fire her!" |
It's an Old StoryThe National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a young collage graduate and an old codger. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".First to recite his poem was the youngster. He stepped to the microphone and said: Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination---Timbuktu. Eveyone thought there was no way the old codger could top that, but the old codger slowly made his way to the microphone and said: Me and Tim a-huntin went, Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu. The old codger was declared the winner! |
Rank Has Its PrivilegesMy flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who was camping it up outrageously. He seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your tray, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch." |
MemberThree ladies are playing the fourth hole at a very private golf club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood. The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.' The second lady gazes at his manhood and says, 'He's not my husband either!' After a very considered inspection, the third lady finally says, 'He's not even a member of this club'. |
Doctor Patient ConundrumA well respected doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient was overwhelming.But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go." But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard." |
Testicle TherapyTwo women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hand at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? 'Feels great,' he replied; 'but I still think my thumb's broken!' |
Everybody needs a Positive Attitude!After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down." Somehow, he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?" And that, my friends, is a real Positive Attitude!! |
Words that are hard to say when drunkWORDS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
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Today's word is ...Fluctuations
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
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Drinking in Galway"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink.""Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times." |
Bad LegsA man walks into a bar and sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself and asks, "May I buy you a cocktail?""No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs." "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" "No, they spread. |
What's worse?A man went to the Harborview Medical Center in Seattle, Washington, to have his wedding ring cut off his penis.According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep. I don't know what's worse:
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Alberta PipaliniThree Italian nuns die and go to heaven.At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be." The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." ...And ‘poof’ she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna." ...And ‘poof’ she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?", he asked. "Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months." If you laugh, you're going straight to HELL! |
Timing Is EverythingA crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation."Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex? "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955." The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now." |
Health AlertIf you or anyone you know are taking the Viagra pill, make sure it says "Made in USA"!We do not want the Chinese meddling in our erections! |
Phone EtiquetteAfter a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone. She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!" Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed." Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer. |
Spank Him AgainDue to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year old girl to hold the flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby...Little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. And he began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again!" |
I QuitI read the smoking was bad, I quit smoking.I read the drinking was bad, I quit drinking. I read the fucking was bad, I quit reading. |
Couple Sex?What Is Couple Sex? An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?" The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs." |
Old DressDorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 PM, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!" Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go?" Edna: "No, no, no ... I'm just saying, wear an old dress." |
Italian CruiseA young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you're alive" With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold. From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with a sailor," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy." "I see," The captain says. Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." |
It is Best to Whisper!!A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?" The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people". |
A Dinner GuestA guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30 PM after enjoying a day of golf.His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade. "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f____g mess and the dishes are still in the sink. I'm completely exhausted! I didn't get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my f____g pajamas? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f___ did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid asshole?" "Because he's thinking of getting married!" |
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A quote from the movie Downsizing
Ngoc Lan Tran:
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